How to Lose a Husband: Part One

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

With all the brouhaha and hoopla over Tiger Woods’ infidelity on top of David Letterman’s confession a few weeks ago, I thought a little humor was needed.  Actually, I wrote this when I was going through my divorce and came upon it the other day waiting for an opportune time, and I think today is the right time! Even then, I recognized the need to lighten up!

The original title was: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Husband, with thanks to Paul Simon with a song title of a similar name. I will post the second half in a few days.

1. Stop serving your husband’s favorite dishes.

2. Start serving his least favorite dishes several times weekly.

3. Forget to pick up his favorite suit from the cleaners so he has to wear something else for an important meeting.

4. Stop listening to his problems at work.

5. Remind him he needs to exercise to keep his weight down.

6. Lose 10 pounds and don’t say anything. When other men notice how great you look, just smile and say thank you.

7. Insist he go shopping with you for your dress for your daughter’s wedding.

8. Ask him to pull weeds from the garden.

9. Tell him that since he forgets to put the lid on the garbage, rats are beginning to come around.

10. Bring up a household problem that hasn’t been resolved, like water in the basement.

 

 

11. Stop laughing off or laughing at any remarks that are chauvinistic or derogatory towards you and tell him you are offended by them.

12. Flirt with younger men and women.

13. Don’t allow him to advise you about money. If you need help, ask a close friend or relative.

14. If he doesn’t want to go out anymore, start going out with friends that like to go dancing or out to dinner or to a play.

15. Save up for a trip you have always wanted to take and he would not go. Go with a sibling, a friend, or a colleague.

16. Stop enabling his destructive habits under the guise of being “the good wife.”

17. While he’s going through his midlife crisis, have one of your own so you won’t be tempted to pamper him.

18. Stop helping him pick out clothes that match Let him mismatch on his own.

19. Don’t put his mail in the same place every day. Let him look for it in different rooms.

20. When he misplaces his keys/glasses/wallet, don’t help him look for them.

21. If you have a joint savings or checking account, insist on dividing them, NOW!

22. If you have a joint IRA, divide it as soon as possible, so you can have your share to spend or re-invest.

23. Forget to send his family greeting cards for special occasions.

24. Learn to fix a flat tire without his help or maybe hire a local college kid teach you.

25. Cut out the food coupons and important notices before he reads the paper.

When I post the next set, I will ask you to send in your ideas for the last five or so. If you decide to use some of these ideas, it may help you let off some anger without doing much damage, since by this time, the damage may be irreversible. If you think you can save your marriage, then I would not suggest any of these, except separate bank accounts and investments, just in case…..

 

 

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