Posts Tagged ‘Divorce-Dayz Manual in Menupause’

Introduction to Divorce-Dayz Manual

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

“Thank God for divorce, my daughter Eileen once stated in a passionate voice, or I would be stuck in a bad marriage for life. That statement threw me at first until I thought about it more and spoke with other divorced people.

“I have never been happier being alone, said a professor I worked for, after he separated from his wife of 43 years.

“Our marriage was a mistake, confessed one of my close friends.

At the age of 80, my friend Cindy’s grandmother kicked her husband out of the house. He wasn’t pulling his weight.

My own marriage of 30 years ended in divorce. The other important comment my daughter Eileen made was that I stayed too long in my marriage. Probably true. And even though we both agreed to the divorce, the experience was traumatic. (Of course, I was also going through menopause and school at the same time, which added to the stress.)

While divorce may be a relief, that doesn’t mean it is easy. In addition, the longer you are married, the more difficult the separation because of the years of history and shared experiences—good and bad—between you and your husband. Even when the marriage has been going sour for a long time, the process of divorce takes time while it is taking its toll. I asked divorced friends, of which I have many, when they knew their marriage was over, and I was astonished with some of the answers.

My friend Mindy  said she knew the night before the wedding at the rehearsal. My friend Sonny said he knew when he said, and should have said, “I don’t.  Another friend, Pam said her marriage had been over for years and she was staying until the children graduated high school. (I suspect many women do this, either from a sense of loyalty or guilt. That is why divorce often happens when women are older, because they want a two-parent family for their growing children.) I had an inkling when I was engaged, but ignored the feelings in my gut and thought I just had the jitters.

Extricating yourself from a long-time marriage is not always easy, but then, who said life was either easy or fair? Like the song, “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, I realized that I was holding onto a rose garden fantasy. Actually, I think I was taking stupid pills instead of vitamin pills! I began to see through my pain and tears that there was a way out into a reality that I could create with a lot of help from my friends. If perception is reality, then I had to change my perception of what life could be, without a husband, and create a new reality.

Now when I think of my daughter’s statement, “Thank God for  it doesn’t sound so strange after all!


Below is a tentative Table of Contents, subject to change without notice, like ads for sale items often state. This Table of Contents seems to work for now, but as I learn more from you, the reader, it may change. I have labeled them Lessons for lack of a better term, but please accept them as guidelines that may help you as you wind your way through the haze, maze, and daze of divorce.

Lesson #1: Crazy Dayz

Lesson #2: Dayz of Our Lives

Lesson #3: Courtin’ Dayz

Lesson #4: Dayz-Free Rules

Lesson #5: Dayz of the Ex-Files

Lessons #6: Waves through the Dayz

Lesson #7: Dayz of Forgiveness

Lesson #8: Dayz In, Dayz Out

Lesson #9: Amazing Dayz: Resources

Appendix: Other Divorce Stories, More poems, & Quotes

(I plan to post parts of each chapter every week, keeping the postings short, since there are also other categories to sandwich in between.)