MenoPorn: Read at Your Own Risk

NOTE: I wrote this poem when I had my first signs of menopause in 1988. Notice I did not say symptoms, because menopause is NOT a disease, as the chart below seems to demonstrate. I was angry because I thought my vegetarian lifestyle would protect me. I was wrong, although I must say that my older sister suffered more than I did with her cigarette smoking, overly thin body & heavy use of coffee. This poem is bawdy, like the very late Joan Rivers, and somewhat of a rant, like Meryl Streep’s comments in Women’s Voices for Change, which I posted a few days ago.

This chart is exaggerated in my estimation. Not all of these changes have happened to me and I am well past menopause, so do not be frightened or influenced by those who treat menopause as an ailment, not as a natural rite of passage and a part of growing older, but not weaker. This is your time to shine!!! Be bold and reach for post-menopausal zest (PMZ).

Caution: If you are offended by four letter words, please do not read this rhyme. Just delete it and go about your day. But if you are not offended, I hope you will find it funny and maybe even helpful.

First I’m hot; then I’m cold.
Just a hot flash, or so I’m told.
My energy’s peaking; I’m exhausted & half-dead;
forget the f****ing; I’m tired, let’s go to bed.
I should be erotically grateful, I suppose;
without the condoms, sex won’t feel like a rubber hose.

Free at last to screw at will…..
or maybe I might try Bernie or Bill.
Oh, s**t! I forgot all about AIDS;
Just my luck; now no one gets laid!
Thirty-six years I’ve been on the rag;
my menses is going, but now my breasts sag.

I’ve lost the cramps, the headaches and the rest.
Is menopause my tradeoff for PMS?
Not fair, I say, it’s a lousy trade.
If I were in charge, here’s what I’ve had made:
Adam the woman and me the man.
The hell with penis envy—it’s my hormones I can’t stand!

Oh me, Oh my, is there an end in sight?
If I meditate all day will I ever be right?
The saga continues, day in & day out;
someday I’ll be free, of this I have no doubt.
Just a phase in my life…not a war or a cause.
Nothing is forever, not even menopause!