MenoPorn: Read at Your Own Risk

NOTE: I wrote this poem when I had my first signs of menopause in 1988. Notice I did not say symptoms, because menopause is NOT a disease, as the chart below seems to demonstrate. I was angry because I thought my vegetarian lifestyle would protect me. I was wrong, although I must say that my older sister suffered more than I did with her cigarette smoking, overly thin body & heavy use of coffee. This poem is bawdy, like the very late Joan Rivers, and somewhat of a rant, like Meryl Streep’s comments in Women’s Voices for Change, which I posted a few days ago.

This chart is exaggerated in my estimation. Not all of these changes have happened to me and I am well past menopause, so do not be frightened or influenced by those who treat menopause as an ailment, not as a natural rite of passage and a part of growing older, but not weaker. This is your time to shine!!! Be bold and reach for post-menopausal zest (PMZ).

Caution: If you are offended by four letter words, please do not read this rhyme. Just delete it and go about your day. But if you are not offended, I hope you will find it funny and maybe even helpful.

First I’m hot; then I’m cold.
Just a hot flash, or so I’m told.
My energy’s peaking; I’m exhausted & half-dead;
forget the f****ing; I’m tired, let’s go to bed.
I should be erotically grateful, I suppose;
without the condoms, sex won’t feel like a rubber hose.

Free at last to screw at will…..
or maybe I might try Bernie or Bill.
Oh, s**t! I forgot all about AIDS;
Just my luck; now no one gets laid!
Thirty-six years I’ve been on the rag;
my menses is going, but now my breasts sag.

I’ve lost the cramps, the headaches and the rest.
Is menopause my tradeoff for PMS?
Not fair, I say, it’s a lousy trade.
If I were in charge, here’s what I’ve had made:
Adam the woman and me the man.
The hell with penis envy—it’s my hormones I can’t stand!

Oh me, Oh my, is there an end in sight?
If I meditate all day will I ever be right?
The saga continues, day in & day out;
someday I’ll be free, of this I have no doubt.
Just a phase in my life…not a war or a cause.
Nothing is forever, not even menopause!


4 thoughts on “MenoPorn: Read at Your Own Risk

  1. sometimes you just have to let it “all hang out,” it was real to you, and so you expressed your feelings
    freely. There are some poems I’ve written, not necessarily for the faint of heart, but many of them
    true and might alleviate others who think they are strange because they feel this way.

  2. Clever poem and captures the positives and negatives
    of menopause. Certainly not offensive. Rather, defensive!

    Keep writing.

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