Divorce Dayz: Preface

PREFACE

Take this marriage thing seriously—it has to last all the way to the divorce

Roseanne Barr, Printed in Parade, July 12, 2009.

 

In my mother’s day, getting a divorce was considered a shonda (Yiddish for shame). Even if it wasn’t exactly a shonda, it was talked about in whispered tones, like the way diseases were uttered in one of Neil Simon’s movies. But now, hoo ha, as my grandmother would say, divorce is almost an epidemic, since approximately 50% of first marriages ends up in divorce court, and the rate is even higher for second marriages failing. (See previous posting on Marriage: Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off!)

While there is no “cure” for divorce, I do believe in rehabilitation, or repair of the heart after divorce, especially a painful one.  And there is some comfort in numbers. At least you are not alone.  Knowing that many couples get divorced may not ease the shock, shame, or suffering in the beginning, because it still hurts like hell. However, there may be some comfort knowing you’re not crazy, especially when you have been married a long time, have children, and this is your first divorce.  (And hopefully, your only divorce!)

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I am not sure that a second divorce is any easier, since I have experienced only one.  But maybe your skin is a little thicker and the pain doesn’t last as long, or relief sets in sooner because you have learned some coping skills from the first divorce.  Of course, the scars from any divorce may not ever quite disappear, no matter how many frogs you kiss, hoping one will turn into a prince. (Right!)

This guidebook is not for everyone, especially those who are still waiting for their Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet and take them to “yon castle” to live happily ever after. Basically, it is for women who are thinking about, or going through, a divorce after a marriage that has lasted at least a dozen years. Long enough to need new sheets, long enough to miss a bed mate, and long enough to be removed from the dating scene and feel out of sorts about the singles scene.

If this book does fit your profile, then you will find suggestions and support, but no pity parties.  Divorce is not for wimps. Pity won’t keep you warm in your bed, pay your bills, or empower you to get your head off your tear-stained pillow and start doing the work necessary to build your case for court or rebuild your life after The Big D.

One of the reasons I wrote this guide is because I could not find this book when my then husband and I separated in 1990, after three weeks shy of 30 years of marriage. Even if no one reads it, the writing has been a catharsis for me, so it has been worth the effort. This is my in the meantime, a term from the book of the same name by Ylanta Van Saunt, a popular guest on Oprah.

Divorce can be devastating.  It can drown all your theories above love everlasting.  It can also be painful, like ripping the bandages from a cut on your arm, and having all the little hairs come off with the bandage.  It stings!  At the same time, divorce can be an eye opener and a relief/release of the pent-up feelings that might have been fomenting for years.

My prayer is that by reading this guidebook, you will be less devastated and more empowered by the divorce experience.  If you can transform your fears into courage, your rage into action, your anger into forgiveness of self and eventually your husband, you will win even if you lose all your material assets, as I did.  Because what you will hopefully (re)gain will be your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-respect, and your dignity.

You are a class act, so get out there and strut your stuff! The world is waiting for your gifts!

Written on 3/25/02, except for the quote from last week’s Parade Magazine

Notes:

1. The photos in the Preface are from a recent trip to Longwood Gardens about one hour from where we live. Great place to heal!

2.One of the outlets for my anger, sadness, and rage was writing rhymes. Some of the rhymes will be scattered throughout the text in the appropriate chapters.  Here’s one that seems to fit the Preface.

Dazed & Dazzled

5/8/02

Forgot to be me

before I was Mrs.

No time to be free–

Dazzled with kisses

that clouded my mind

and strangled my heart,

Myself yet to find.

Too young from the start

to be husband and wife

and live just as one.

In this game called Life,

Was I still having fun?

But then came the rain;

darker clouds came back.

Am I insane?

to step on the crack

That became a quake

to toss my world

Like shake and bake,

all crispy and curled,

Served cold or hot

It doesn’t matter.

Dazed a lot

the suburban mad hatter.

When at last

the storm did end;

I reclaimed my past

and around the bend

The sky was blue…

a rainbow appeared,

And dazzled the new ellensue—

no longer I feared.

One door shut tightly;

another opened wide.

Learned to step lightly;

let the sadness subside.

So bring on the sun

and even the rain.

They’re the dazzle of Life

both pleasure and pain.

Now I’m grown-up

late in the day.

Don’t hang the phone up;

Don’t forget to pray.

For Life is for living

to grab all the rings.

It’s taking and giving;

arrows and slings.

No magic cure.

No single road.

No way to be sure.

No puzzle to decode.

There will always be questions

with no answers in sight.

Just one final suggestion—

Live & Love in the Light.