All Posts for June 2010

Review

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010


Recently I received an email from a divorced father of teenage sons who has written a book called Yes, There is an Upside of Divorce: It Can Be Your Second Chance at Life! He asked if I would read it, which I did. I was intrigued to see the male point of view.  Since the author had been married 25 years, I felt learning about his experience of divorce as an older person might be valuable to me as a woman, and it was.

The author, Brian Daniel, has written a very positive book about coping with divorce.  Since his wife took him by surprise by asking for the divorce, I would have expected a slightly bitter tone, but I was wrong. The author takes the negative aspects of this difficult time and provides the reader with some good food for thought.

Dividing the book into several sections, Daniel guides us through such concepts as “Start Seeing the Positive,” “Your Happier and More Enjoyable Life,” using music to help you through tough times, discussing the Serenity Prayer in relation to divorce, dealing with your anger and addressing possible depression, and other common sense ideas that I read with interest.

Here are some quotes from the book to give you’re the “flavor” of what to expect when you read it:

This is the positive book I was looking for. My book’s purpose is to tell you that all is not lost, and instead show you all the opportunities for a better life after the difficult one you now have to deal with and live with during your divorce or break-up with your partner.

More positive thinking will indeed reduce the occurrences of bad thoughts, provide for the dominance of other good thoughts, and eventually eliminate all your anger. Learn to turn off your negative thoughts and quit blaming yourself. Stop feeling guilty about your failed relationship! Concentrate on your positive thinking to learn from these failures instead.

It would be better to work on positive actions to prevent these problems with your next partner. Put this positive twist on it and move on. You must be wary of this depression that might be developing in you and that may be overtaking you. You need to be aware of this cycle you are stuck in and try to get out of it quickly. If you can’t stop your depressing thoughts, distract yourself quickly and easily by going outside to go walking, exercise, run errands, or visit someone.

In summary here, some wise people have said “happiness doesn’t come from having what you want, but comes with wanting what you have instead!” I have learned to do this in divorce and I must say this does work for me. …. And finally one more, small but important point about happiness, and that is, only we can make ourselves happy. No one, more than ourselves, can really make us happy.

Always being positive and enjoying every moment will always build on each other easily and forever, contributing more happiness and enjoyment, and allowing you to reach your full capabilities and live a robust full life!

After each section, the author summarizes what he has written and then leaves room for notes. This guide is not meant to replace medical or psychological advice, but does provide good practical advice that I found interesting, again, because it is the male point of view. This book is available directly from the author and also through Amazon.

You can buy copies of the book from Brian Daniel’s website. It is a great gift for someone going through divorce.

www.Self-Help-Products-and-Services.com and save $4 to $7 off Amazon’s total cost. He will mail your book copies to your address the next business day after receipt into his Pay Pal account.

Email any questions/problems to:  James@Self-Help-Products-and-Services.com

(Note Brian Daniel is the nom de plume used by the author. They are the names of his sons. His name is James, thus the website starts with that name.)

If you choose to use Amazon.com, please click on the icon below. Amazon’s price is $16.99.


P.S. I am also posting this on www.divorce-dayz.info, since the author first sent a query to that website because of his section on depression. He read my article on that topic on divorce-dayz.





New York Times Article: "Gray" Divorce

Monday, June 28th, 2010

My daughter-in-law Maura alerted me to an excellent article in the New York Times on late life divorce (“It’s Not Always About You”), written after Tipper and Al Gore announced their separation/divorce.  This was followed by a spate of letters to the editor. Here are some excerpts, but I recommend you Google The New York Times and search for Late Life Divorce or Al & Kipper Gore for more. The article refers to another article called “At Long Last, Divorce” from www/pewresearch.org/pubs/1617/long-duration-marriage-end-divorce-gore. I highly recommend reading these articles if you are a “gray” divorcee, as I was at 55, after 30 years of marriage, plus 2 years of divorce wars.


This is from the article “At Long Last, Divorce”:

What these overall statistics don’t say is that the risk of divorce is not the same for all groups. Adults with a high school education or less are more likely to divorce than are college-educated adults. People who marry young are more likely to divorce than those who marry at older ages. There also is some early evidence that couples who married in the 1970s may be especially at risk of divorce. According to data from the 2004 SIPP, the share of marriages that ended before their 15th anniversaries (mainly because of divorce, but also in a small number of cases because of widowhood) was lowest for marriages made in the 1950s, followed by those made in the 1960s and then those made in the 1980s. Marriages made in the 1970s were slightly less likely to reach their 15th anniversary than those begun in the 1980s.

This from Betsey Stevenson of Wharton School of Business in Philadelphia, PA in the June 4th New York Times article:

While divorcing after decades of marriage is less common than divorcing early in marriage, it isn’t rare.
The big cost of a divorce is more likely to be worth it if there remain many more years to enjoy the payoff.
Analyzing recent Census Bureau data, I found that among recent divorces, 8 percent involved couples who had married 30 to 50 years earlier. Compared with the rest of the married population, these couples divorce at one-quarter the rate of those who have been married for fewer years. Who are these silver-haired divorcees? Not surprisingly, they are in their late 50s or early 60s, reflecting the fact that this generation married in their early 20s. Moreover, improvements in health and longevity mean that they still have plenty of life left to live.  As an economist, I suspect that this is an important factor driving “gray divorce.” Economists think about the world in terms of costs and benefits, and the big cost of a divorce is more likely to be worth it, if there remain many more years to enjoy the payoff.


Finally, here are a couple of letters to the editor:

msd nj June 4th, 2010: As long as women are economically secure, divorce may work to their benefit. They are more likely to have a social support system in place and won’t have to be a “nurse and a purse” to their aging ex-husbands (or anyone else) if they don’t want to. They can travel, explore their interests and most importantly, their time is their own. For women, that’s huge.

paracielo saint paul June 4th, 2010: It is true that people keep changing as they age, and that once shared interests can become obsolete. It is also true that a shared family and friends can do much to hold together the bond. It is possible to develop new shared interests if people are willing to be flexible and open minded. One should never take a marriage for granted, it needs work every day. Marriage can help keep a person from becoming self obsessed and narrow. There is nothing better than living with your best friend, even if sex is long out of the picture.


If you have a friend or family member going through a difficult divorce, whatever his/her age, send beautiful  flowers to look at !!!

 

P.S. I am going on vacation for 2 weeks, and I have post-dated some articles on www.menupause.info, so please check out my other website for recipes and other articles.

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