Love Stories of Later Life is about possibilities—the possibility of long-lasting love at a time when our life span has doubled; the possibility of keeping love and romance alive when married for decades; and the possibility of finding love again after divorce or widowhood. According to author and gerontologist Amanda Smith Barusch, exploring romance in the second half of life is a neglected research topic. Instead, most research is delegated heavily to love in our 20s and 30s, not our 50s, 70s, or even 90s.

But can love, romance, and passion flourish in the second half of our lives? Barusch answers with a resounding YES! And through her research she has demonstrated this to be true. That’s good news for all of us over 50, whatever our status. The author, with the help of her research team, has thoroughly research this field of late love. She tackles everything from ageism to sexual zest into your 80s and maybe beyond. After all, there is no limit on love!

What I especially like about the book is that the author has personalized it with her own concerns. At 50, she is beginning to notice changes in her own body and admits her own anxieties, which she shares with the reader. As a researcher invested in the information for personal and professional reasons, the author moves back and forth between being objective and subjective. Her own candor is refreshing.

Also, Barusch has planned the book well, dividing it into four parts: Love and Aging, Love’s Illusions, Lived Love, and Love’s Disillusions. It follows a natural progression, supported with statistics, age-appropriate black and white photos, and many pages of notes at the end to support her research. The author has definitely done her homework.
Equally candid are the comments made by the men and women she interviewed, which are scattered throughout the book. Because the responses are very candid, some are not easy to read, such as those in the chapter on betrayal and rejection.

“Old age is not for sissies” is a quote attributed to the movie star Bette Davis. Likewise, this book is not for sissies. It lays bare both the positive and negative aspects of romance among older men and women, including same sex relationships. The final paragraph in the text of the book bears reprinting, because it reflects the mostly positive tone of the research. So for those of you still seeking romance or seeking to rekindle romance in your marriage, don’t give up hope! Read this book for a realistic look at romance in later life. (And for a personal essay on my finding love later in life, go to This ‘n That and read “Second Time Around.”)

Romance blurs the boundary between fantasy and reality. Experiences structure our romantic imaginations, even as fantasies influence the way we perceive the world. Imagination is especially important in late life, when we are free of the pressures of preparing for the future and honed by decades of maturation. Like the proverbial child in the candy shop, we might bask in the delicious possibilities before us. Or we could meander along paths discovered long ago. Some of us may charge off to conquer new territories. Others might cower, afraid to break the rules or cause pain. Regardless of the experiences that await you, I hope your romantic imagination will be enriched and emboldened by heightened awareness of late life’s romantic possibilities. (p. 18)

Love Stories of Later Life is published by Oxford University Press, 2008. 240 pages. List price is $24.95.

Personal Note: When I started to read The Girls Who Went Way, my thoughts flew back 53 years ago to my high school graduation in 1955. A classmate with the highest standing in the commercial track (I will call her Rita) walked down the auditorium aisle in her graduation robe, its fullness unable to hide her advanced pregnancy. How she managed to remain in school boggles my mind, since girls of my generation who became pregnant “out-of-wedlock” were not allowed to continue their education in the classroom. No one said a word, and to this day, I wonder how Rita was able to hold up her head and walk down the aisle amidst the hush as she passed each row.

Author Ann Fessler, whose adoptive mother was also adopted, explains the strict mores surrounding “unwed mothers” in the years after World War II (1945) and before Roe v. Wade in 1973, which legalized abortion. Interspersed between Ann Fessler’s excellent descriptions of the cultural concepts concerning this issue of non-marital pregnancies, are heartbreaking stories of the more than 100 interviews conducted by the author. (The lack of access to birth control on the one hand, and the absence of sex education in schools or at home are like bookends on this subject.)

Below are just a few of the quotes from the interviews. Their stories (many of which brought tears to my eyes) show that the women Ann interviewed (as older women) were not only unprepared for childbirth and relinquishment of their babies; they were also given little or no counseling to deal with the emotional backlash of surrendering their own child, the experience of the birth itself, and what to expect from the maternity home where they were “confined” (read: hidden away) until they gave birth. As the author notes, “They were simply told they must surrender their child, keep their secret, move on, and forget.” Many kept their secret for decades, some moved on successfully, but not one mother forgot. Many went through life feeling not good enough or not deserving of happiness.

“I never felt I gave my baby away. I always felt that my daughter was taken from me. Pollie (p. 12)
“When I saw her for the first time, I knew what real love really was. And I’ve never been the same from that moment.” Dorothy II (p. 20)
“I mean it’s borderline abuse not to share this kind of information….I mean, as amazing as it sounds, I was sixteen and did not know how babies were born.” Nancy I (p. 49)
“It was like being sent to a war zone.” (referring to the maternity home. ES)
Claudia (p. 57)
“But deep down I was feeling all this shame and all this pain and loss and sadness….I lived with the pain and it was never really expressed.” Marge (p. 83)
“It’s as if part of you went away when that happened.” Ann (p. 207)

Note: I chose this last quote because it has the same two words from the title: “went away.” I feel that these girls not only went away physically to give birth and then surrender their babies; they also went away emotionally, keeping their feelings of shame and sadness inside most of their adult lives.

Fortunately, many of these women were found by their adult children or the mother herself searched for her child. While not all reunions were perfect, most did bring relief/closure to both parties, the birth mother and her child adopted by someone else.

The Girls Who Went Away is compelling reading. It belongs in every women’s studies curriculum and in every library, and hopefully on your own bookshelf. Thank you, Ann Fessler, for your courage in sharing your own adoption story, in providing the well-researched information, and publishing the stories of all the women during this 28-year disturbing period in our history. Hopefully, they can truly celebrate Mother’s Day without guilt or unresolved sadness.

The book is published by Penguin Books and is readily available in book stores and online. The paperback version costs $15.00 and is worth every dollar!