National Humor Month: Midlife Musings

One of the unique holidays on the Home Page is National Humor Month, so I thought I wold kick the month off with a humorous piece someone sent me. I don’t know the source, so if you do, please let me know in the Comments, so I can attach it to the end of the piece. Todayis also April Fool’s Day and this piece about our aging bodies seems to be like a joke played on ourselves!

First picture from this website with a great menopausal poem: http://susancorso.com/seedsforsanctuary/2011/12/midlife-crisis/

(Additional photos are from various sites on the Internet that I Googled.)

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It is happening every day!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick.  I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

 

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang,

because they took pains to match my rear end (although badly attached and at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

 

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh on my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was getting really scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed,something like maturity. NO. I was being attacked reportedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up T-shirts. What could they do to me next?


My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembles.
That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

 

 

Cyndi Crawford below

That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you? The next  time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted,” look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I found my thighs…and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them. This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

 

 

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

 

P.S. from Ellen Sue. The changes in our bodies as we age are not funny, but without a sense of humor about it, we’re lost in shame and blame. Just stay healthy and love your body!

 

GREEN HINT OF THE DAY for Every Day is Earth Day:

Buy clothes made from natural fibers, such as 100% cotton or linen.  Rayon is made from natural fibers, but at a high cost to the environment, so I am no longer buying rayon. This is an excerpt from: http://www.naturallifemagazine.com/0908/ecofiber_or_fraud.htm

Environmental Friends or Foes?

Rayon, modal and lyocell are produced from renewable cellulosic plants such as beech trees, pine trees, and bamboo. All three fibers are biodegradable. Specifically, Lenzing Viscose® and Lenzing Modal® are produced from sustainably harvested beech trees and Tencel® from sustainably harvested eucalyptus trees. Eucalyptus grows quickly and without irrigation, pesticides, fertilizers or genetic manipulation; it can also be planted on marginal land that cannot be used for food crops. The fiber yield per acre from the trees used in the Lenzing fibers is up to ten times higher than that of cotton. Also, cotton needs up to 20 times more water.

However, there are many manufacturers of rayon. Even with the advancements that have been made over time, most rayon manufacturing processes in use today are not considered environmentally friendly. In fact, they use a range of polluting chemicals and heavy metals. On the other hand, lyocell manufacturing, and that of Tencel® in particular, is an extremely environmentally friendly process and the most friendly of these three fibers.

Since regenerated fibers do not qualify for organic certification, other recognized eco standards that review the entire process chain for growing and harvesting the trees through the manufacturing and treatment processes must be applied to these fibers. One such award that has been given to Lenzing for Tencel® is the European Eco-Label, which addresses compliance with high environmental standards for production and products.


 

 

 

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